There’s a tiny car that’s been running around base. It’s about a 1/4th the size of a real car and I keep catching it out of the corner of my eye, making a turn or speeding off into the distance. For several weeks now I’ve been frantically trying to flag it down. If anyone reading this at Yongsan sees this tiny car, flag it down for me. In it is about thirty clowns and one of those bastards is running this circus I work in… and I want to talk to him!!

We recently finished the biggest military exercise of the year here in Korea. The purpose of this exercise is to improve the skills of leadership in conducting a major theater war. These skills are apparently tested by the ability to move dots around a computerized map.

The exercise war is a titanic struggle between a mass of red dots, against a mass of blue dots. The red dots are controlled by the Simulation Center, which is manned by what I imagine to be evil people with receding hairlines and bad teeth who cackle gleefully every 15 seconds while typing madly at their computer terminals. The blue dots, based on my observations, are moved in an entirely different manner…

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So… What does one talk about when one has spent an entire month working and sitting in their dorm room on the computer or watching DVD’s? I assume that one can only talk about the everyday mundane things that no one is interested in, and endeavor to make it sound as interesting as possible.

Let’s start with my pillow. When I arrived here, I was issued a standard military “pillow, bed, non-fluffy, 1 EA.” After a night or two I went to the BX and purchased a high quality pillow. The label said something to the effect of, “Super Synthetic Fluffiness Technology!” I was extremely happy with the purchase and enjoyed many good nights of sleep. However…

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I never realized just how dependent I’ve become on coffee in order to function throughout the day. What’s sad is that I don’t really believe that I drink that much coffee on a day-to-day basis. I normally drink three cups in the morning, and about half the time, I drink another two cups in the afternoon for a pick-me-up. It doesn’t seem that much, really. But then something happened to make me realize how bad I need coffee in the morning…

Last month I was told I have to have a medical evaluation because I was too skinny to take the Air Force physical fitness test. So I called Osan Air Base to book an appointment. After getting a date and time, the doc told me, “Oh yeah, we’re going to take some labs so you need to fast for about 12 hours prior. All you can have is small sips of water.”

Uh oh…

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The dorm is infested with roaches. Judging by how concerned the Army is about fixing things in our dorm, I don’t think they will care much about our roach problem. I think they are getting their revenge for the Air Force having a much better quality of life then they have. The other day, I walked into my room and there was a group of roaches playing pinochle. One of them even had the nerve to ask me to bring him a sandwich. So I gave him a Raid sandwich! Spritz!! He just coughed a bit then asked for a pastrami instead. I think he was one of those roaches that would survive a nuclear holocaust. I’m sad to report that he didn’t survive the combat boot holocaust.

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