Kimchi Chronicles – June 2004
The dorm is infested with roaches. Judging by how concerned the Army is about fixing things in our dorm, I don’t think they will care much about our roach problem. I think they are getting their revenge for the Air Force having a much better quality of life then they have. The other day, I walked into my room and there was a group of roaches playing pinochle. One of them even had the nerve to ask me to bring him a sandwich. So I gave him a Raid sandwich! Spritz!! He just coughed a bit then asked for a pastrami instead. I think he was one of those roaches that would survive a nuclear holocaust. I’m sad to report that he didn’t survive the combat boot holocaust.
Speaking of roaches, the Army recently tried to shut down The Launch Pad. The Launch Pad is the Air Force lounge here in the dorms. Apparently we are against Army regulations, and a recent DUI brought them down hard on us. The argument that we’ve been against Army regulations for 30 years was lost on them. The good news is that they only managed to make us quit selling hard liquor. We are now serving beer again. Err… for a $1.50 “donation.”
I haven’t been off-base too much due to continuous exercises, and it always takes a while for me to meet good friends to go out with. Plus, I’m just plain getting too old to party much. What little I’ve seen of Korea isn’t bad at all, however. There is a huge electronics market just off base that will have a geek writhing in ecstasy and dreaming of it at night. It’s about 3 city blocks full of everything electronic imaginable, and cute Korean girls in various company, schoolgirl-like, uniforms handing out fliers. Two great tastes that taste great together!
If you go back far enough in time to study the origins of the English language, you’ll probably notice that it’s a mish mash of borrowed words from other European languages. I believe this, because when listening to Europeans speak, they inevitably say something English-sounding that you think you might have understood. The further east you go, the more that phenomena disappears. Since the languages are so different, it’s pretty funny to hear the words that people learning English will pick up and try to use. I was outside the workplace having a smoke break with Berny one day, when a young Korean service member approaches. He said, in heavily accented English, “Excusea me. I am looking for Ken.” I look at Berny.
“Do you know a Ken?”
“I don’t know a Ken, do you know a Ken?”
“I don’t know a Ken.”
So I turn to ask him if he knows Ken’s last name when I notice that he’s pointing at his own crotch while still mumbling about Ken. Now this has me stuttering, trying to ask him for a last name while attempting, unsuccessfully, to ignore all the crotch pointing. While I’m trying to ask him about Ken, he points forcefully at his crotch and says, “I need to pee!”
Now I’m thinking, why does he need Ken to pee? Ken… Pee… Ken… Caa… Oooohh!
“You’re looking for the can! Right inside. Down the hallway and to the left.”
The Air Force has a vested interest in the well being and health of it’s members. It finally decided that the method of hooking up a heart monitor and having us ride a stationary bike did not really determine if we were fit. The science and algorithms of it were flawed. So they implemented a physical fitness test consisting of pushups, situps and a timed mile and a half run. I’ve been running since October and, weighing a buck fifteen, I have nothing to push up. I’m ready for the test. So I head into the orderly room to get body measurements taken and everything to prepare for the test. They punch the numbers into the computer and stare at the results.
Now, the Air Force throughout my career has always gave the best advice and made the most sense when it comes to health and nutrition. Common sense abounds in the Air Force and they have given sage advice to thousands for weight loss, etc.
“Well, your body mass index is under 19. You need to have a medical evaluation before you can take the test.”
“Err… Ahhh…” I replied, intelligently.
“Take this form to the appointment and have them clear you to take the test.”
“So… I’m too… Let me see if I have this right… I’m too skinny? To take the PT test?”
“Well, you’re BMI is under 19 and according to the new reg…”
“And the fat guys who are literally passing out on the track… they are NOT too skinny to take the test? Right? Have I got this right?”
“Well….”
So much for common sense.
This first Kimchi Chronicles issue is dedicated to Lupe Warren. “Send me stories!” she said. Here’s your stories, Lupe. Hope you enjoyed them!
Tags: Kimchi Chronicles, Korea