Subconscious annoyances are everyday little things that on the surface seem perfectly normal, but subconsciously annoy you. Things that you would NEVER consider an annoyance, could in fact, be subconsciously bugging the hell out of you. These non-annoyances are like the chimmy chonga’s at Bob’s Burrito Bonanza.  A majority of the time they are fine, but every once in a while, given just the right circumstances, they can cause sudden and devastating explosions.  Take for instance, the ice machine at the food court. If you’re like me, it’s not a proper drink unless you have just the right ice-to-soda ratio. The ice level in the cup has to be perfect before the drink can be dispensed. This type of person is easy to spot because they’ll fill the cup with ice, dump some out, get just a little more ice, dump just a little bit out, critically examine the ice level, then tip the cup and gently shake side to side until one ice chunk falls out… then they get soda. For this type of person the ice machine can be the last straw.  I didn’t know this until One of Those Days®.

I could tell things were going to end badly when I noticed that a guy carrying four cups and trailing two kids was going to reach the ice machine before me.  I knew this was going to take a while because this ice machine is one of those that drowns out all of the local conversations and sounds like a large troth is going to slide out and start dumping cement over your boots, yet despite all of the struggle and effort, it only manages to drop two pieces of ice every thirty seconds.  Plus, one look at the kids and you knew that you couldn’t give them a drink to hold for more than a few moments before it would be on the floor or dripping from their sibling’s head.  So finally daddy daycare and the goblins trundle off and I step up to mix the perfect ice/soda ratio.  I let the machine crank and groan for a while then gage my ice level.  I just needed one or two more pieces.  Now we get to play the tap game.  You just tap the cup against the lever until just one or two pieces come out.  This may take four or five taps.  The tap game is also subconsciously annoying.  I started tapping, and after fifteen or so taps nothing had come out, so I hold the cup against the lever and the machine cranks away for what seems like an entire minute and then BRRRRRAAAAA!  Three gallons of ice came out and buried my cup and hand.  I nearly chucked the full cup of ice across the food court at the Church’s Chicken guy.  Why him?  I didn’t like the way he said, “Can I take your order?”  If I had been aware of the existence of subconscious annoyances, I probably would have avoided the food court that day.

We all know that you shouldn’t drive while angry.  You get aggressive and dangerous, and it increases the likeliness of you flipping off a 7 foot redneck who is probably drunk, and will fight at the drop of a Caterpillar hat.  Driving annoyed is usually not very dangerous.  You’re just slightly more aggressive than usual, and that idiot redneck swerving around in his truck only contributes to the possibility of flipping out later in the day…  like at the ice machine.  Driving annoyed isn’t very dangerous here in Alaska either, but in winter it will cause some delays to your traveling plans.  When you drive annoyed up here in winter with a 400 horsepower car, your super powerful car isn’t very fast.  In fact it doesn’t move at all, but it sure does make a hell of a lot of noise and spin a lot!

Nine.  The other morning, when I got in my car to go to work it was 9° Fahrenheit.  Do you know what I do in the morning, when driving to work with 3 more hours of darkness ahead of me and it’s 9°?  I crack the windows.  You see, by the time you get out of the shower and put on your T-shirt, sleeping shirt, thermal underpants, BDU pants, BDU top, wool socks, winter boots, watch cap, parka, gloves and ice cleats…  you’re just a bit warm.  Plus my apartment has a heated garage, so I’m not jumping into a freezing car first thing in the morning.  However, when one of those cardboard tubes of Pilsbury dinner rolls falls out of your grocery bag unnoticed and into the front seat, the heated garage causes absolutely nothing to happen to it.  When I saw it the other morning in the front seat I thought to myself, “There it is!  I wondered if I had left it at the grocery store!  Hmmm…  It hasn’t been refrigerated like it’s suppose to, but it was only overnight, and I can leave it in the car during work and it will be like it’s in the refrigerator because it’s cold outside!”  Well, refrigerators don’t operate at 9° and apparently freezing will cause these tubes to explode just like heat, only instead of cleaning up a gooey mess, you are staring at a big chunk surrounded by many little shards of frozen dough knowing that you’ll never find all of the shards.

So, there ya have it.  You will do well to keep Uncle Scott’s lessons in mind next time you have One of Those Days®.  Granted…  only one of the lessons is applicable outside of a very cold environment but, you never know when hell will freeze over.