Checklists Will Be The Undoing Of Mankind!
Checklists are the bane of military life. And none are more soul-draining than the “out processing” checklists. Notice the plural in that last word. Yes, that’s right. There’s more than one. The first one nearly destroys your will to live and the second one makes you angry that you are still alive after the first one. The third one throws you a curve ball and makes you think you are actually starting to make some progress, while the fourth annihilates that false hope and serves as the final straw. About a third of the way through the fourth one is when I normally snap, and end up getting arrested for criminal misconduct because I’m on the flight line frantically waving a piece of paper at the F-22′s taking off while screaming incoherently about dates, initials and “I’ve never even done any welding! Can’t I just N/A this?!”
But all of that isn’t the truly maddening part…
The thing that really makes me loose my mind is the fact that I’ve still got the out processing checklist from leaving Korea… and South Carolina before that… and Germany. You see, the checklist ultimately doesn’t matter. It’s just another one of the absolutely crazy things that military members seem to do purely on instinct. It’s something that was drilled into us so thoroughly in basic training, that if you hand me an out processing checklist, something clicks in the brain, and I blindly run off trying to get people to date and initial it.
If there are 100 items on the checklist, for 90 of them, when you show up at the office mentioned and hand them the checklist, they date it, initial it and hand it back to you.
Go back to that last sentence and read it again. Notice something missing? They don’t check anything. The don’t tap away at their computer first checking out your information, they don’t pull any files and read them, they don’t ask you to return anything or sign anything… they just date and initial the checklist and hand it back without even glancing at your name tag. I just want to grab these people by the lapels and spray them with spittle while screaming, “CHECK SOMETHING!!! JESUS! ISSUE ME SOMETHING THEN ASK FOR IT BACK AT THE VERY LEAST!! GIVE THIS FLIPPING CHECKLIST SOME MEANING!!!” and then collapse on the floor and sob gently for about 15 minutes.
Now we have a virtual checklist. It’s on the computer and you can access it from anywhere. Out processing is now, oh, so, much, better. Now, out processing consists of calling the number listed in the info section for each checklist item, then asking them why a visit is required when you’ve never been issued any dog-handler gear. At which point they invariably tell you that they don’t do any of the dog-handler gear out processing and to instead call the chow hall for that. It’s about at this point that I start trying to knock myself unconscious with the telephone receiver. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go bandage my bleeding temple and take some aspirin.
Tags: Checklists, Military, Rants